Wildcrib

Renounce Procuring Baccy

“There’s nothing quite like tobacco: it’s the passion of decent folk, and whoever lives without tobacco doesn’t deserve to live.” – Moliere

Renounce Procuring Baccy or R.P.B. as it’s known in professional circles, may seem a little intimidating at first glance, and it should . I mean seriously, when was the last time you renounced anything? I can only assume it was back in the Seventeen Hundreds, when you were procuring baccy and this is how far back this method can be traced, if not further. If this method is followed to a “T” or as no one likes to say “to a tittle”, it will be close to one hundred percent effective.

I often get the impression that complicated terminology  like Renounce Procuring Baccy impedes and handicaps one’s efforts at relinquishing the compulsive obsession with the venomous toxin.  Therefore, in the following pages I will use my natural gifts in orismology to reduce the reconditeness to a streamlined and simplic patois, thus removing all nomenclature. 

AKA KISS and if you DIY, ASAP, according to most MDs and the AMA, you’ll be all like OMG and at the EOD, your ETA to the Promised Land will likely have moved a little into the future because you will no longer be a POW of the cigarette.

If you’re still confused, Renounce Procuring Baccy simply means Quit Buying Smokes. Don’t kid yourself, this technique as I so simplistically mentioned above has been proven almost one hundred percent successful.

But, like any other stop smoking method, R.P.B. will only work if you are prepared to commit to it. There are two simple yet very important steps you must take to secure your success using this approach.

1. You must publicly announce to all of your bidi addicted friends and acquaintances that you are not going to quit smoking. Now that you have their attention, you will in an obstreperous manner declare:
   
   “From this day forth, I am Renouncing  any and all Procuring of Baccy using my own capital.” (Note: You must say it this way or it’s just not gonna work.)
   
2. From this moment on, you will only bum, swipe or plunder smokes from your friends and acquaintances. You will want to use cool lines like:

You: “Hey! You gotta light?”

Miscellaneous Friend: “Sure” they’ll say.

You: “You gotta smoke to go with that?” 

The miscellaneous friend takes a cigarette out his/her/them/it/she/he/misc… pack and hand it to you with an inquisitive look.

Miscellaneous Friend: “I thought you quit smoking?”

You: “Oh, I didn’t quit, I simply renounced procuring baccy with my own capital.”  You say with a mischievous glance.

Both of you laugh the first time, despite the fact that miscellaneous friend doesn’t seem as amused by your little deception as you are. (Still, who can blame you? It’s such a cool line.). Nevertheless, this will get old and soon you will be shunned by all. Eventually none of your friends or acquaintances will give you Baccy. You will be left searching for butts on the side of the road like you did when you were twelve. This too will get old.

Within a few days of using this method, your supply of the Viscid foliage will be almost extinguished. In a short period of time you will surrender all hopes of accessing the plant of the nightshade that is cultivated for its leaves. At this point well established friends will be referring to you as a leech, a sponge, a moocher, a freeloader and a parasite.

Take heart, you successfully banished Methoxymethyl Pyridine,  Immortelle Extract and small quantities of  High Fructose Corn from your lungs and with it a constellation of changes. Not only will your friends soon disappear, within 48 hours after your last cigarette you’ll get your nerve back. That is damaged nerve endings will start to regrow. You’ll also begin smelling more (Better sense of smell and you’ll be detoxing. So yes, you’ll be smelling more.) and your sense of taste will improve. You’ll finally realize how bad of a cook you are; don’t panic, fries are still delicious.

Did this method work for you? If so, for all your efforts and future achievements I give you a hearty “Hear-Hear!”.

“Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss” – Sigmund Freud