Wildcrib

METHOD FOUR
Gasconade Acquirements Publicly

“Well, I’m not here to impinge on anybody else’s lifestyle. If I’m in a place where I know I’m going to harm somebody’s health or somebody asks me to please not smoke, I just go outside and smoke. But I do resent the way the nonsmoking mentality has been imposed on the smoking minority. Because, first of all, in a democracy, minorities do have rights. And, second, the whole pitch about smoking has gone from being a health issue to a moral issue, and when they reduce something to a moral issue, it has no place in any kind of legislation, as far as I’m concerned.”  – Frank Zappa

Back in the old days, I’m sure your mom told you that gasconading was rude and impolite and she was right and wrong. It’s true that gasconading has long been seen as an unfavorable characteristic in most societies, but I dare ask you, is it really all that bad to throw down a little cock-a-doodle-doo once in a while? I say no, especially if it’s for a good cause, that one being your health. So go ahead and cock-a-hoop your way to a non-smoking lifestyle.

Right now I bet you’re saying “What the heck is a non-smoking lifestyle?”. Well, it’s one filled with a little flaunt, a little flourish and yes even a little cock-a-hoop. So how does a person actually do it? How will the big “G” help you to quit your Huffin’ & Puffin’ plight? I’m glad you asked.

I’m sure you are well familiar with the idea of ego, self-pride or self-admiration? Of course you are, “Look at you, you’re so good looking.”. We all have it in us to want to brag about our accomplishments, especially the non-fictitious ones. On the other hand, none of us likes to be called or caught on our B.S. or as we say in Canada “Bull-Caca”. So how do you use the ego and the “G” Meister together to form an unbeatable superhero team that will create a you, absent of cigarettes? It’s easy. This technique requires you to brag about the fact that you quit smoking. It’s a fake it, ‘til you make it, thing. This technique works by the sheer force of boasting about your new found acquirements.

What have you acquired? The skill, the will, the volition to end your smoking habit. That’s right, you’ve done it, you’ve accomplished the once impossible task of renouncing cigarettes and you are letting everyone know. You are making it very public that your smoking days are behind you and making sure that all your smoking friends and acquaintances know they are all weak, flaccid, spineless, enervated, fragile wimps who could not accomplish the task at hand. Make sure to spend the first few weeks in the smoking section with them letting them know. They’ll appreciate it.

There will be doubters and skeptics to be sure. There are those who know your fondness for the “Tar Goddess” and they will be watching your every move, waiting in dark corners to catch you “lighting one up”. There will also be those devotees and addicts who try to discourage your effort and weaken your will. People like your mom, and anyone else who claims to love you. The followers of  “Baccy Almighty” will not want you leaving their cult and so you must be strong.

There will come a time when all your efforts of self-aggrandizing will end and the people in your life will come to accept the new you.

It was William Shakespear, who wrote in Othello “Tis in ourselves that we are thus or thus. Our bodies are our gardens to the which our wills are gardeners.” or to quote Barney Rubble “Think big and be big Fred.” So take that and smoke it in your pipe. Not really though cause we’re trying to get you over that habit. Basically the Shakester was saying you can be whoever you want to be. By making a loud and public announcement of your quitting smoking you add a large amount of pressure and weight to your words and your public persona.

One week after your declaration, your success rate in quitting smoking for the long term increases dramatically. You are nine times more likely to quit for ever, after just one week of quitting. Think about how much better you’ll be then all those who have started smoking again and what about all those who never even tried quitting because they’ve never smoked a day in their lives, loosers.

Have you quit? Wonderful. I raise my glass and praise your achievements.

“I regard breathing industrial gas to be as harmful as heavy smoking.”  – Steven Magee